I’ve been feeling very down for a while. As I keep thinking about why, it’s been on my mind that I’m a support person for many people in my life. It’s actually something I identify very strongly with. Always have, since my younger years, and something I used to take pride in. There is dignity and strength in being there for others, in lending a helping hand, being there to listen, or just teaching what you know.
It’s something I do in my personal life and at work in various capacities. Professionally I get rewarded and regarded for it, but I don’t know if that’s something I want to keep doing, so it’s a source of internal questioning. Not an easy one and probably a whole other branch to explore.
In my personal life, this is a side of me that has grown and has become increasingly difficult. More people have become dependent on me during the last 10 years, independently and at different times. I have had to step in and provide for others in ways I didn’t know I could. I surprised myself helping others through some pretty rough times. However at the same time it seems right when I say to myself right now that it affected something within me. I didn’t come out of it unscathed. It’s a form of trauma, which I didn’t realize at the time and perhaps didn’t properly heal from.
It sometimes feels like a weight and other times it feels like darkness. It triggers my mind to try to find a way out. Some of the places my thoughts go in doing this are rather discomforting. Suffice it to say it’s not a good place to be. It’s not easy to admit I’m not OK.
I have a strong feeling of duty that I have to keep going, so I find it difficult to say no when someone comes to me. I am emotionally tired though. I am running out of gas. The word exhaustion comes to mind.
So I’m trying to break the negative cycle, by writing here, by doing things differently, by thinking of my needs. I am also looking for help. All of these things seem like very very small steps at the moment. I’m often reminded of the advice on planes to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
That’s where I’m at, looking for what brings me oxygen.