I wanted to write more often but I haven’t been doing well. Honestly I’ve been feeling like a mess. Depression and anxiety have a way of making everything look worse than it is, and I’m doing personal work to untangle a lot of my thought processes that are not necessarily healthy or helpful.
Anxiety is a recent addition. Or the return of an unwanted guest. I have been anxious before but was able to get it under control and I had been doing well for a while. But I went from “this is manageable” to “holy shit someone save me” in a very short amount of time. Some days are very difficult, to the point where I have to ask for affordances from my wife, which is totally unlike me. I tend to deal with things on my own and avoid burdening others. Not being able to do that anymore, I have to remind myself to not take everything on and let others help me. I need to be kind to myself and allow for a less ideal self-image to show through, so others know how I am and can offer support.
It’s not an easy place to be. I have a sense that the work I’ve been doing to challenge my thinking is at least partially responsible for these difficulties, especially the anxiety. It’s good to make attempts at solving some of my issues and try to grow as a person, but it’s not meant to feel comfortable. This isn’t the first time in my life where I need to step up and be better. Intuitively it makes sense that every time you do this, it’s going to feel different, because the place where you are in life and the challenges you’re facing are specific to this moment in time. However this one for me comes with the added angle that I’ve been pushing and burying this stuff down for too long. I need a good shovel.
At the moment I stay away from things and relationships that do not bring me something positive. That means the news is out, among other things. As is staying in touch with some people who drain me. I always tell myself that I should do this and I should do that. Well, my new modus operandi is to question those thoughts. Should I really do those things? Do I really need to support others when I can’t support myself? Maybe I don’t and that’s fine. Right? I just have to keep repeating it to myself and maybe one day it’ll sink in.